Self love can be a tricky thing, even for me, someone who preaches it. My thought process is, if I love myself enough, I’ll be able to share that love with others. However, self doubt is something I struggle with a lot as well. How can someone who is full of self love be so self-conscious and doubt themselves? Well…like I said, it’s tricky. It’s different for everyone, but for me, even though I’m confident and full of love for myself, I always end up back in a place of doubt. I doubt my future, my abilities, and if I’m not exceeding at something, then to me, I’m completely failing.

I’ve always had to be the best at something if I wanted to continue with it. Call that a competitive attitude, or an arrogant one, but at the end of the day, it’s how I felt.

When I was in elementary school and starting to make friends, I constantly wanted people to like me. I wanted to be the best at being a friend. I’ve mentioned this before, but sometimes that “people-pleasing” attitude ended up hurting me. *Cue self doubt* Then in middle school I struggled with feeling good enough for any of those friends.

In dance class, I loved being surrounded by phenomenal dancers, to challenge me. *Cue self doubt* However, I never thought I could be as good as them. I would attend competitions and feel like everyone around me was just as good, therefore making me average.

Average, oh how I hated that word.

School was the worst because being “above average” in the first few years of your school career made me cocky. High school was my reality check. Everyone thought they were “above average”, therefore I was now just…average. My grades were fine. My standardized test scores were fine. I was just…fine. Nothing more, nothing less, and that aggravated me.

Driving! I’m not kidding, this literally happened to me yesterday. I was driving with my Mom, and I made a few mistakes. I was so used to driving around my small town with one-way roads, that I just forgot that driving is a lot more complex. *Cue self doubt* On the way home, all I could feel was doubt. I was just so consumed with the few mistakes I made, that my brain was cycling through them and wouldn’t let me move on.

Now that I was feeling average in about every single aspect of my life, I was swimming in a pool of self doubt. How could I make myself feel worthy again, now that all I felt was uncertainty?

Self love and self doubt may seem like two very different things, things that don’t mix together. However, they are two things in my life that are always constant. I love myself, but I also doubt myself. I’m still struggling to really acknowledge that I am talented at something, or that I will succeed in the future. It’s hard for me to believe I have a greater purpose when all I feel is average.

So, why am I writing about self love and self doubt when I don’t truly have an answer to either? Well, I was never perfect, so at least I can give you my two cents on the topics, and how I try to steer clear of doubting myself.

THINKING PROCESS

Your mind is where your self doubt lives, where it tries to bite you in the ass, even when you’re having a good day. So, your thinking process is where you have to start. When I mess up something, whether it’s at school, work, or wherever, I try and rethink. If I find myself dwelling on the mistake and ultimately doubting my abilities, I’ll focus really hard on how the good things I did today, the things I’m proud of. Let’s say I’m at work, and I mess up a carry-out order. Before my mind even gets the chance to start doubting my abilities as a server, I’ll think about the table that complimented my service earlier that day or even week. 

There is a reason I have that job, there is a reason I am able to take this class, there is a reason I continue to write blog posts that people read.

Are you sensing a pattern? Even if you mess up, in any aspect of your life, there is a reason you are where you are. You earned it. Yes, I’m sure you are aware, but everyone does make mistakes. I have to remind myself that we are in such a weird part of our lives, and we are going to make more mistakes than usual. 

FIND THE SPECIAL THINGS

What makes me special?

I would tell you I am a Diet Coke enthusiast. I drink Diet Coke way too often and I am completely obsessed with it.

I would tell you I love listening to music from past decades. Etta James, Frank Sinatra, Billy Joel, The Beatles, Queen, I love them all.

I would tell you I enjoy writing. Writing about life, writing advice, writing about fashion, even writing stories that I don’t expect anyone to ever read.

I would tell you I’ve been working on getting the “Best Dressed” superlative since my freshman year of high school. Weird flex. I just really want that title okay….

Notice how these “special” traits don’t just apply to me. You also probably enjoy Diet Coke or writing in a journal as well. I’m not the only person who enjoys The Beatles…obviously. However, I believe these things make me special because I love them. I would probably mention these interests in a conversation, or when I’m introducing myself. Maybe there are things that you like that no one else in the world does, or there is something out there that makes you completely different than anyone else. That’s great! Embrace it! Embrace your passion for Diet Coke! Embrace your old soul personality! Embrace your creativity! Embrace it all!

There are things that make you special. Believe it or not, you are someone and you are worthy. You actually do have a purpose in this life.

Those are things I repeat to myself constantly because my self doubt really likes to tear those words down. I’m always thinking about my future and questioning if I have a greater purpose. The answer is of course I do! However, doubt can make it hard to truly trust that, so repeating those things out loud reaffirms it.

FINDING LOVE WITHIN THE DOUBT

Alright, I know you all aren’t going to read this and automatically be full of love, sunshine, and rainbows. However, I do want you to think a little bit more about the love part when you start to feel yourself doubting. Many of you are like me, constantly putting pressure on yourself to be the best you can be. You have to give yourself a break, especially in times like these. For me, school and future schooling (college) is my biggest stressor, and I always feel behind. I feel as though everyone else is on track, studying for the SAT, getting fabulous grades, and building their resume. While I feel as though I’m behind and lacking in those areas. Sometimes I have to remind myself everyone is going through this pandemic, and I’m not the only one worrying about college or stressing about school. 

So finding a balance, between working hard and giving yourself a break. A balance between worrying and breathing. A balance between love and doubt, is the key.

I say a balance because you’re never going to be fully rid of doubt. You’re always going to double and triple-check things. You’re going to be scared to take a risk. However, as long as you find a balance, you should be okay. Love yourself. Remind yourself of all the good things you’ve done today, things you’ve accomplished. Big and small. At the end of each day, I like to tell myself a few things I did today that made me happy. For instance, yesterday I told myself that I got some driving practice in, even if I messed up. I got a few new books and I started reading one. I also finished up some homework, even if it was overdue. I still did it. I still finished the day with a smile on my face. 

You did too.

xoxo, megs