On Monday, July 5th I turned seventeen. There’s nothing really monumental or life-changing about the age except that I can now envision myself as that girl in that song that for some reason is always seventeen.

I was actually very excited to turn seventeen despite its underwhelming change to my life. My whole life I’ve always enjoyed growing a year older. I got bored of the age I was and therefore wanted my birthday to come so I could be a different one. I like the idea of seventeen because sixteen feels cliche and still a bit childish, but eighteen feels like responsibility and growing up. Seventeen is like the perfect median, right? 

So how do I really feel, after the clock struck midnight and I was officially seventeen? Well, let’s just say it was just as underwhelming as it was meant to be.

Why? I’m still trying to point my finger on the feeling. Maybe I feel like I’m starting to stray away from my youth. Maybe I feel like I’m not ready to be seventeen, because if I’m seventeen that means I’m a year away from eighteen…the year with all those big bad responsibilities. Maybe nothing has changed, and that’s exactly why I’m sad. Maybe I thought something was supposed to magically change in my life. I’d see life a little bit brighter and cleaner, like somehow turning a year older was giving me a clean slate.

I’m still not entirely sure what I’m feeling, but I do know this. I’ve always expected a lot of myself. I’ve set a high standard for every aspect of my life and how I perform in it. School, sports, hobbies, friendships, etc. I have always wanted to excel. Simultaneously, I wanted to excel young. I’ve always thought I needed to do something extraordinary while I was still young. I don’t know if I necessarily put an age cap on success, but I definitely wanted to be admired for my accomplishments at a young age. Maybe I should stop putting this all in the past tense because I still feel this way. It’s not a healthy mindset I know, but it’s there. I’m trying to write the feeling away, and convince myself that I don’t have to win an Oscar at eighteen or go to space at twenty, but it’s a work in progress. 

The problem is that I have this huge fear that I won’t be successful young. I was never the most talented person on a sports team, where I would end high school with scholarships and a prolonged career in sports– actually scratch that I’m a girl so that wasn’t really an advertised option for me anyways. I wasn’t gifted with a beautiful voice or passion for instruments, so although I love music (and in my humble opinion have an incredible ear for it), a career in music wasn’t something I thought was possible. The sports and entertainment industries were the two places I thought people got successful at a young age. You know, like those child actors such as McKenna Grace who will probably be booked with acting gigs for the rest of her life. Those athletes who are so talented that they get to go to college for their sport, and then get a career afterwards professionally if they’re still good enough. By no means am I saying these people didn’t work for their success, but I am envious. Essentially, the only thing I thought I could strive to excel in was…academics. Now how do you think I responded when I failed miserably at geometry or was painfully average in just about every other class. I was devastated! I mean seriously, with someone with a big ego like myself who thought I was the shit, I had a little bit of an identity crisis (I still kinda am). I wasn’t necessarily crashing in this ‘crisis’, but I was a little lost. I didn’t know how I was meant to contribute to this world. I have my writing, that I hope is being read by someone out there. I hope they finish reading with a smile on their face and a more optimistic outlook on their life. I know I have that, but do I have that success at a young age that I think I need? I guess what I’m saying is, I have this idea in my head that I have to be successful young. I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 to say I accomplished this or that. They always say when you’re young that you have time to do the things you want to do. But what if I want to do it now? What if I see other people my age doing crazy cool things and I’m hungry for it too? 

Take Olivia Rodrigo for example, that girl is eighteen and gets to hand you a list of accomplishments longer than my Christmas list from the 1st grade. Obviously, I’m super proud of her, but of course, I’m just a little envious of that success. It’s not that I want to one-up her or something (like I said, not gifted with a singing voice) but, I do aspire to feel that same pride that she probably felt when she released her album that everyone fell in love with. 

The moral of the story is this: seventeen brought to light my fear of being unsuccessful…and my fear of growing up. However, this doesn’t mean I don’t have some words of wisdom for myself (and for any of you that may have the same feelings). 

I realized recently that people that are young and successful aren’t just actors or musicians or athletes. The creativity I’ve seen in young people is so inspiring. For example, one of my role models: Miss Indy Blue. The one and only. I’ve looked up to her for a while now, and I am so gravitated towards everything she does. Her videos, her writing, her Lonely Ghost shop, and everything else she does (all while being a Mom). Indy wasn’t a D1 athlete or winning American Idol, but she took what she was good at, and passionate about, and ran with it. That’s what inspires me to keep writing. I hope if you’re reading this and feeling like you have no place in this world, that I can inspire you to keep pushing for your passions and dreams. 

If you’re overwhelmed with the idea of the next chapter of your life just like I am, my advice is to take some of the pressure off yourself. Let yourself be passionate and creative, and feel all the love around you. Because love is all around you. Let the sweetness of summer inspire you to dream, and turn those dreams into a reality.

After listening to almost every song about that girl who is seventeen, I’ve learned that she is carefree, inspired, and ready to take on the world. She sees the world as just a place made for her and it is up to her to make it a better place. She’s the kind of girl you want to be around because her energy is so infectious. She’s the cool girl, but the cool girl that would save you a spot at the lunch table. That’s kind of what I’m going for in this next year of life. The cool girl that’s constantly raising the bar for herself (in a no-pressure kind of way), ready to take the world into her hands and make it hers. I’m slowly learning that there isn’t a rush, but there is also limited time. So although I don’t need to be the best of the best right now, I’d like to keep working towards my dreams, because I’m ready for the world…so I hope it’s ready for me. 

Happy seventeenth trip around this big world, Megan. Make the eighteenth a good one.

xoxo, megs